Divorce and Child Custody cases are notorious for provoking anxiety and bringing out the worst in people. There is so much that is out of your control, it’s enough to drive anyone a little mad. If you’re a fan of the TV series “Lost” (ABC, 2004-2010), you’re familiar with the black “Smoke Monster” (who could forget). Divorces bring out the Black Smoke Monster in everyone at one time or another. Divorce is not pretty, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If you’re one who craves control, brace yourself, because anytime you’re involved in a lawsuit, there will be times when you feel like you have no control over anything. However, you DO have control over your actions and your reactions to others. Here are ten things that you can do to help yourself and your attorney achieve the best possible outcome in your case:
10. Establish Secure Lines of Communication with Your Attorney: These days it’s easier than ever to unwittingly expose yourself to prying eyes. You need to protect yourself and your communications, especially with your attorney, from unwanted electronic eavesdropping. The first step in doing so is to be aware of this danger. Change all of your passwords on every electronic device and every online account that you have. Set up a new email address, and use a different email service (e.g., if you use Gmail, create an account using another service, such as Outlook). You should consider getting a “burner” phone, keep it password-protected and with you at all times. If you believe your spouse has been spying on you, talk to your attorney immediately, because there are further steps that can be taken to protect you
9. Take a Social Media Hiatus: I know, you think I’m crazy to suggest such a drastic, old-fashioned measure. Trust me, what you post on SOCIAL MEDIA SITES CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!!! If you want to be the subject of an entertaining Court appearance and be exposed in Court for all the world to see, keep posting. Be prepared to pay more in attorney fees, because arguing in Court over the admissibility of social media posts is time consuming. You will survive a break from social media, and you might even find that life without social media is better than life with social media. If people are really your “friends,” then they will take your calls and even meet you in person. For more info on WHY you need to pause your social media activity, Click Here.
8. Invest in Professional Counseling: Divorce is the death of your marriage, your shared hopes and dreams. No matter what the reasons for your divorce, it hurts really bad. You will be in shock, you will grieve, and eventually you will accept your situation, adjust to your “new normal,” and, hopefully you’ll grow and thrive. Your attorney can only help you with your legal issues. As you may have already found out, there’s only so much that the Court can do. The Court cannot fix your broken relationships or soothe your anxious heart. Please, please, please do yourself and your family a favor and make an appointment today with a counselor, even if you think you don’t need it. If you have children, please get them into counseling as well. Divorce isn’t the end of the world, but it is a major life-changing event and professional intervention, even if it’s only short-term, is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your children.
7. Attend a Divorce Recovery Group: Many churches offer divorce recovery groups for free or for a low cost. Again, even if you think you don’t need it, you will benefit from attending a divorce recovery group. You may be able to help others who are in worse situations than yours. There are even divorce recovery groups for children/pre-teens/teens.
6. End All “Extra-Marital” Relationships: You know what I’m talking about. You’re still married. You will have plenty of time AFTER your divorce to pursue other romantic relationships. Dating and hanging out with “friends” who are really more than friends WILL cause more trouble than it’s worth. You’ve got far more important things to worry about while you’re getting divorced, and if you have children, it’s a no-brainer. Your children need your full attention and devotion now more than ever.
5. Write Down All of Your Financial Information and a Proposed Division of Your Property and Debts: Your divorce attorney will need to know the following information for both you and your spouse: Income from all sources, debts (including mortgages, car notes, credit cards, random medical bills, etc.), bank accounts, retirement accounts, other investments, real property, crypto-currencies (Bitcoin, etc.), vehicles, boats, ATVs, campers, other valuables. Next to each asset and debt, write down which spouse you propose should receive it. Don’t forget to include furniture, crystal, china, artwork, etc.
4. Gather Together Your Financial Documents: You will need to provide your divorce attorney with copies of income tax returns and attachments (W-2s, 1099s, etc.), as well as recent bank statements, paystubs, bills, retirement and investment accounts, health and life insurance documents. If you have health insurance through your employer, ask human resources to provide you with a breakdown of the monthly cost of employee-only insurance, employee plus family, and employee plus children.
3. Write Down Your Detailed Monthly Budget: How much money do you need right now to meet your monthly needs? Once you are divorced, what will your living expenses be? Don’t forget to includec insurance, car repair, child care (including summer camp), extra-curricular activities for your children, clothes and shoes, haircuts, home repairs, pet expenses, out-of-pocket medical expenses (co-pays and prescriptions), lawn care, housekeeping, etc.
2. Write Down Your DESIRED OUTCOME: Take some time to think about what your goals and future plans are, best case scenario. Ideally, what do you want in your divorce? If you have children, what would your ideal parenting schedule look like? How will you support yourself and your children? Do you need to go back to school or obtain specialized training so that you can earn more money? Do you want to move? It’s important that you discuss your goals and your desired outcome with your attorney. What are your “must haves” and what things are “negotiable”? Write these things down and share them with your attorney. The more specific and precise you are, and the more information you provide to your attorney, the better.
1. Tell Your Attorney THE TRUTH, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth: Your attorney is on your side and is your advocate. Please don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to be completely honest with your attorney. Your attorney can’t help you if he/she doesn’t know all of the facts. I’m grateful when my clients are completely honest with me and warn me of potential landmines. It gives me time to prepare and to either avoid disaster or lessen the damage. If I’m blindsided in Court by something I should have been told by my client, I’m never happy. If you don’t disclose all the facts to your attorney, you, and possibly your children, are the ones who will suffer the consequences. Often, whatever your “secret” is, it’s not as bad as you think. Do yourself a favor and let your attorney know your worries and concerns, and don’t be afraid to be completely honest with your attorney.
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