Divorce Archives - Kendra Armstrong Attorney

10 Keys to Surviving Divorce

by Kendra Armstrong | Oct 23, 2019 | Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Post-Divorce

Divorce rudely “interrupted” my life when I was 12 years old. When I first found out that my parents were getting divorced, my carefree childhood came to a screeching halt, and I was overwhelmed with grief, fear, and devastation. The foundation of my world shattered into a million pieces, and I felt like the joy in my life had been sucked right out of me.

“The divorce” became a fact of life for me, and I learned to live with the ups and downs we all experience in a divorce. I adjusted to the fact that our family of four was different—we had a new normal…and I survived.

Fast-forward nineteen years, when I, again, found my world shattered by MY divorce. I always planned on getting married, but I NEVER planned on getting divorced (who does?). The day I went to Court and had my divorce “granted,” the pain overwhelmed me. It was one of the deepest losses that I’ve ever experienced. I felt broken, empty, hopeless, bitter, lost, rejected, wounded, worried, ashamed, worthless, regretful, empty, incomplete, and like a complete failure. The list goes on and on.

When two people marry, two lives become one. When I got divorced, it felt like someone cruelly ripped out a vital organ and left me bleeding and dying on the side of the road. I felt like the one person who promised to love, honor, and
cherish me for the rest of our lives no longer cared about me and that I didn’t matter to him. The fear of being alone in an unknown future was terrifying.

The good news is that my FEELINGS were only TEMPORARY. Divorce recovery is a process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s full of ups and downs, progress and setbacks, defeats and small victories.

My divorce was the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and when I look back on it now, I remember the pain I felt, but I no longer feel the pain. I learned how to thrive and enjoy life despite my divorce, and I came out on the other side much stronger and wiser.

Over the years I’ve noticed that people who successfully move past the searing pain of their broken marriages and go on to lead fulfilling, contented lives, have very specific ways of INTERPRETING and RESPONDING to life’s problems. It all comes down to how we THINK about and interpret our life experiences and problems, and how we CHOOSE to RESPOND.

Many of the following strategies may seem counter-intuitive, however, these techniques work. They’ve worked in my own life and in the lives of many others. Here’s my blueprint for surviving divorce:

1. Forgive myself.

Unresolved guilt, shame, and regret are paralyzing emotions that keep us from living the lives we were created to live and prevent us from fulfilling our purpose. Guilt is a good thing in that it alerts us that we’ve done wrong, or that we’ve hurt someone. However, we aren’t meant to replay our misdeeds over, and over, and over again in our heads. Never-ending rumination on our mistakes and harmful behavior serves no good purpose. What’s done is done, and we can’t go back and change it. What we can do, however, is acknowledge our harmful actions, ask for forgiveness, change our behavior and attitude, and move forward. It’s a choice.

When we forgive ourselves, we give ourselves PERMISSION to stop beating ourselves up over what we’ve done in the past.

2. Forgive the “unforgivable.”

Forgiveness is not our “default” setting. It requires a conscious choice, and it’s extremely hard to do. Forgiveness is an ongoing process, not a one-time thing, and, I can’t stress this point enough, forgiveness is a choice.

Why should I choose forgiveness? Some things are simply unforgivable! I want to be angry and hold that grudge against (fill in the blank). They need to suffer! They need to feel my pain.

Okay, consider this point: “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the OTHER person to die!”

Think about it, when I hang onto bitterness and anger, I’m mostly hurting myself. Chances are the person I’m resenting doesn’t care nearly as much as I do about my resentment, if at all. They just go along their merry way, while I’m
living in torment.

When I choose to forgive someone, it releases the power that a person has over me. It frees ME.

Forgiving someone means that I make a CONSCIOUS decision to STOP resenting that person.

3. Cultivate an “attitude of gratitude.”

Our default setting is to complain, I don’t know why, but it seems like it’s so much easier to grumble than to be thankful. Again, it’s a choice to be a glass half-empty or a glass half-full person. My challenge to you is the next time you find yourself complaining, flip the script and force yourself to find something good to be grateful for. Eventually, you’ll start doing that automatically. In fact, right now, what are five (5) things you are grateful for?

4. Admit the role I played in the breakup of my marriage and accept responsibility for my actions and my mistakes.

It takes two tango. Our brains tend to automatically look for excuses and then assign blame. We do it without even
thinking. Every individual has his own perspective of events, no two people experience the same event in the same way. My son, for example, is 6’8” tall, so when he’s standing next to me in a room, he sees things I don’t, and vice versa. We each have our own perspective. Having different perspectives doesn’t mean that one perspective is right, and the other perspective is wrong, it’s just different.

When I put myself in my husband’s shoes and imagined how my words and actions might have made him feel, I experienced an entirely new level of insight.

5. Accept the things I can’t control or change (the past, other people), and change the things I can change (such as how I respond to problems and disappointments).

The only things I can control 100% are my thoughts and actions. Will I be grateful for the good that’s in my life right now, despite bleak circumstances? Will I take responsibility for causing or worsening my situation? Will I admit and apologize for my behavior? If I do these things, it lifts the weight off my shoulders and helps me to “move past the past,” enjoy all that I have right now and move towards a bright future.

6. Believe in and embrace my true value.

You are no cosmic accident!

When I was married, my self-worth was tied to my husband; I thought that his love and adoration made me “valuable.” This erroneous and patently false belief caused me years of grief and dysfunction. Once I realized that I have an intrinsic value separate and apart from my roles as a wife and a mother, it changed everything. A “pearl of great price” is a beautiful, invaluable treasure, regardless of whether or not someone is admiring it, which brings me to my next point.

7. Stop depending on the approval of others.

We all love praise and adoration, but there’s always a downside, which is criticism and contempt. When I believe that I have a purpose, seek God’s guidance daily, and go about trying to be the person God created me to be, I don’t get weighed down with worry about whether someone else approves of me.

If I hurt someone or make a mistake, I admit I was wrong, ask for forgiveness, forgive myself, and correct my course. I’ve found that trying to seek approval from others sucks me dry and makes it impossible to keep going and moving forward. None of us can please everyone, and we can’t even please one person all the time, so it makes good sense to switch our focus from approval-seeking behavior and to instead focus on living the lives we were created to live.

8. Interpret apparent “failures” as learning experiences and recognize that these experiences may be pointing me in a new and better direction for my life.

If my life was perfect, I’d have nothing to talk or write about. It’s the conflict and the trials in life that teach us, that give our lives meaning, purpose, and texture, and that get our attention! Sometimes our stubbornness (or fear of the unknown) keeps us moving in one direction, which might not be the best direction for us. When we fail, we learn how not to do something, adjust our approach, and “try, try again.”

9. Find the silver lining in every cloud of adversity.

Notice I used the word “find.” I must train my brain to look for it and to search it out. Treasure hunts take time and effort, and, frequently, time must pass before I’m ready for the beauty to be revealed.

10. Persevere with confidence! I get back up and keep going no matter how I “feel” and no matter how many times I’m slammed to the ground (or trip and fall)!

We all fall down. It’s embarrassing,especially when you fall down the Courthouse steps in public (yes, I’ve done
that!). But we won’t get where we want to go if we simply stop. Do we really want to be gawked at or pitied? I don’t. We can’t win the prize if we don’t get up and keep going.

It doesn’t matter if we’re shoved to the ground by an opponent, or if we stumble and fall, we get up, hold our heads
high, and keep going. We finish the race. We might need to take a minute to catch our breath, but we don’t give up. Winners never quit, and quitters never win.

Expect opposition and setbacks. Don’t be surprised that you are facing challenges. Figure out the next best step and then move forward. It makes the final reward all the sweeter.

Kendra H. Armstrong

Attorney at Law

Kendra Hazlett Armstrong is an experienced and passionate family law attorney, writer, and speaker, dedicated to inspiring and helping others. Kendra has been an attorney for 26 years and holds a master’s degree in psychology. She received her Bachelor of Arts from Rhodes College, her Master of Science from the University of Memphis, and her Juris Doctor from the Cecil C. Humphreys School of Law at the University of Memphis. Kendra represents clients and has offices in both Memphis and Franklin, Tennessee (Nashville area).

Top 10 Things Your Divorce Attorney Needs from You to Help You Win Your Case

by Kendra Armstrong | Sep 1, 2018 | Child Custody, Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation

Divorce and Child Custody cases are notorious for provoking anxiety and bringing out the worst in people. There is so much that is out of your control, it’s enough to drive anyone a little mad. If you’re a fan of the TV series “Lost” (ABC, 2004-2010), you’re familiar with the black “Smoke Monster” (who could forget). Divorces bring out the Black Smoke Monster in everyone at one time or another. Divorce is not pretty, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’re one who craves control, brace yourself, because anytime you’re involved in a lawsuit, there will be times when you feel like you have no control over anything. However, you DO have control over your actions and your reactions to others. Here are ten things that you can do to help yourself and your attorney achieve the best possible outcome in your case:

10. Establish Secure Lines of Communication with Your Attorney: These days it’s easier than ever to unwittingly expose yourself to prying eyes. You need to protect yourself and your communications, especially with your attorney, from unwanted electronic eavesdropping. The first step in doing so is to be aware of this danger. Change all of your passwords on every electronic device and every online account that you have. Set up a new email address, and use a different email service (e.g., if you use Gmail, create an account using another service, such as Outlook). You should consider getting a “burner” phone, keep it password-protected and with you at all times. If you believe your spouse has been spying on you, talk to your attorney immediately, because there are further steps that can be taken to protect you

9. Take a Social Media Hiatus: I know, you think I’m crazy to suggest such a drastic, old-fashioned measure. Trust me, what you post on SOCIAL MEDIA SITES CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!!! If you want to be the subject of an entertaining Court appearance and be exposed in Court for all the world to see, keep posting. Be prepared to pay more in attorney fees, because arguing in Court over the admissibility of social media posts is time consuming. You will survive a break from social media, and you might even find that life without social media is better than life with social media. If people are really your “friends,” then they will take your calls and even meet you in person. For more info on WHY you need to pause your social media activity, Click Here.

8. Invest in Professional Counseling: Divorce is the death of your marriage, your shared hopes and dreams. No matter what the reasons for your divorce, it hurts really bad. You will be in shock, you will grieve, and eventually you will accept your situation, adjust to your “new normal,” and, hopefully you’ll grow and thrive. Your attorney can only help you with your legal issues. As you may have already found out, there’s only so much that the Court can do. The Court cannot fix your broken relationships or soothe your anxious heart. Please, please, please do yourself and your family a favor and make an appointment today with a counselor, even if you think you don’t need it. If you have children, please get them into counseling as well. Divorce isn’t the end of the world, but it is a major life-changing event and professional intervention, even if it’s only short-term, is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your children.

7. Attend a Divorce Recovery Group: Many churches offer divorce recovery groups for free or for a low cost. Again, even if you think you don’t need it, you will benefit from attending a divorce recovery group. You may be able to help others who are in worse situations than yours. There are even divorce recovery groups for children/pre-teens/teens.

6. End All “Extra-Marital” Relationships: You know what I’m talking about. You’re still married. You will have plenty of time AFTER your divorce to pursue other romantic relationships. Dating and hanging out with “friends” who are really more than friends WILL cause more trouble than it’s worth. You’ve got far more important things to worry about while you’re getting divorced, and if you have children, it’s a no-brainer. Your children need your full attention and devotion now more than ever.

5. Write Down All of Your Financial Information and a Proposed Division of Your Property and Debts: Your divorce attorney will need to know the following information for both you and your spouse: Income from all sources, debts (including mortgages, car notes, credit cards, random medical bills, etc.), bank accounts, retirement accounts, other investments, real property, crypto-currencies (Bitcoin, etc.), vehicles, boats, ATVs, campers, other valuables. Next to each asset and debt, write down which spouse you propose should receive it. Don’t forget to include furniture, crystal, china, artwork, etc.

4. Gather Together Your Financial Documents: You will need to provide your divorce attorney with copies of income tax returns and attachments (W-2s, 1099s, etc.), as well as recent bank statements, paystubs, bills, retirement and investment accounts, health and life insurance documents. If you have health insurance through your employer, ask human resources to provide you with a breakdown of the monthly cost of employee-only insurance, employee plus family, and employee plus children.

3. Write Down Your Detailed Monthly Budget: How much money do you need right now to meet your monthly needs? Once you are divorced, what will your living expenses be? Don’t forget to includec insurance, car repair, child care (including summer camp), extra-curricular activities for your children, clothes and shoes, haircuts, home repairs, pet expenses, out-of-pocket medical expenses (co-pays and prescriptions), lawn care, housekeeping, etc.

2. Write Down Your DESIRED OUTCOME: Take some time to think about what your goals and future plans are, best case scenario. Ideally, what do you want in your divorce? If you have children, what would your ideal parenting schedule look like? How will you support yourself and your children? Do you need to go back to school or obtain specialized training so that you can earn more money? Do you want to move? It’s important that you discuss your goals and your desired outcome with your attorney. What are your “must haves” and what things are “negotiable”? Write these things down and share them with your attorney. The more specific and precise you are, and the more information you provide to your attorney, the better.

1. Tell Your Attorney THE TRUTH, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth: Your attorney is on your side and is your advocate. Please don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to be completely honest with your attorney. Your attorney can’t help you if he/she doesn’t know all of the facts. I’m grateful when my clients are completely honest with me and warn me of potential landmines. It gives me time to prepare and to either avoid disaster or lessen the damage. If I’m blindsided in Court by something I should have been told by my client, I’m never happy. If you don’t disclose all the facts to your attorney, you, and possibly your children, are the ones who will suffer the consequences. Often, whatever your “secret” is, it’s not as bad as you think. Do yourself a favor and let your attorney know your worries and concerns, and don’t be afraid to be completely honest with your attorney.

Procrastination: The Thief of Time

by Kendra Armstrong | Mar 16, 2015 | Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation, Post-Divorce

Procrastination is the Thief of Time. It makes easy things hard and hard things harder. The next thing you know, that easy thing has turned into a huge burden.

How many times do you say, “I don’t have time” or “There’s not enough time in the day to get everything done”? In my case, I say these things, uh, every day. 🙁

Today I realized that TIME is not the problem, I’m the problem. The truth is that there’s always enough time if we don’t befriend the thief, Procrastination. He seduces us with momentary pleasure and blinds us to the PAIN we’ll suffer when we needlessly delay. He lies to us about the ultimate COST to us in the future when we put something off. Procrastination cozies up to you and whispers in your ear, “You can do that tomorrow, no problem.”

Tomorrow rolls around and you put it off one more day. Then you do it again, and again, and again, and the next thing you know it’s two months later and you completely forgot exactly what it was you were supposed to do. Or, you wait until the last minute and you have to drop everything else, be totally stressed out, and operate on little sleep. It’s hard to do anything, or do it correctly, when you’re irritated and sleep-deprived. Procrastination drives some people to drink or overeat. It can make one less than pleasant to be around.

One day you’re carrying around a marble in the palm of your hand. All you have to do is take 1 minute to put the thing away in its place. It’s quite simple, but you don’t do it. Then you wake up one day and find you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Before we procrastinate, count the cost. Procrastination is a liar and a thief. Just Do It!!!

Or, as we southerners like to say, “Git ’em done!”

Make You or Break You

by Kendra Armstrong | Sep 16, 2014 | Attorney Fees, Child Custody, Court, Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation, Post-Divorce

Straight from the horse’s mouth! From a Judge who’s heard it all, here’s some priceless advice to help you avoid emotional turmoil, alienating family and friends, and spending unnecessary time and money litigating.

Is Today Monday?

by Kendra Armstrong | Sep 15, 2014 | Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation

What do you do when life throws you a few curve balls?

Today I had a nice, organized list of tasks to accomplish. Before I even had a chance to look at my list, my mother had a crisis of epic proportions: she couldn’t watch ANY of her favorite shows because our satellite service provider is currently not carrying that particular network.

My morning was derailed.

What could I do about this problem?

Obviously, there’s not much I could do about the cause of the problem. I have no control over the two companies who are in contract negotiations and may or may not reach an agreement.

All I could do was figure out how I could respond to put out the fire. Unfortunately, I felt like I was wasting time when I could have been checking items off my task list, and it made me irritated.

The fact of the matter was that actually doing the things I had to do to help my mom by putting out the fire was not what irritated me.

It was the interruption of my plans and the detour in my day that got me out-of-sorts.

You may be truly having a crisis of epic proportions.

Do you feel like you’re suffering through a crisis that you don’t deserve and that’s ruined your dreams?

Did your spouse let you down when your marriage didn’t turn out like you had planned?

It stinks.

It’s not fair, it’s not right, it shouldn’t have happened. But, it did happen, so the question is HOW will you respond to this life-derailment?

Will you make the necessary repairs, get back on track, and continue on, or will you remain a heap of crumpled, useless, metal?

I realized this morning that, on one hand, I could complain, snap at my mom for wanting to watch her TV shows, and blame the people who couldn’t reach an agreement to provide us with services we’ve paid for and expected to receive.

On the other hand, I could accept the fact that I can’t control the network or the service provider, I could do what I could to enable my mom to watch her shows, and then I could get back to my list.

Complaining, blaming and lashing out at my mom wouldn’t change a thing. She still couldn’t watch her TV shows, and I would be even more worked up and annoyed.

As irritating as the whole interruption was, I had to deal with it, which is what I did. I’d like to sit here and tell you I didn’t complain at all and didn’t lash out at my mom. After 2 hours of trying to access her shows online and hook up my digital TV receiver that came with my internet, with another service provider, I was not a happy camper.

It was at that time that I realized I could either finish doing what I could to help my mom, or I could complain and blame. It was my choice.

Loss of a few TV shows is NOTHING compared to the loss of a marriage, family, and security.

However, the principles for handling these situations are the same.

It’s never easy when life doesn’t turn out as we planned.

We do have a choice: will we complain, blame, be angry and grow bitter, or will we do what we need to do to handle the situation the best way we can, accept it, and move on?

Social Media Sabotage

by Kendra Armstrong | Sep 15, 2014 | Child Custody, Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation, Post-Divorce

Remember the old adage, “loose lips sink ships”?

Today, loose fingertips blast ships into smithereens.

Tacky tweets, ferocious facebook updates, smutty pics, and malicious public posts can and WILL be used against you in a Court of law or otherwise.

On numerous occasions I’ve seen parents and spouses pummeled by their social media activities. If it’s on the world wide web, even if it’s shared with “friends only,” rest-assured it will resurface at the most inconvenient and embarassing times.

As good as it may SEEM to feel at the moment to go on rabid rants about the ex and the paramour, and as badly as you want others to see how “rotten” someone is, it will come back to hang you. Instead, write it down on a piece of paper and then immediately shred it!

Sometimes people intentionally post things on social media about the other parent and the “other” woman/man for not only the whole world to see but also, more destructively, for their children to see. The consequences are disasterous on numerous levels.

When someone “friends” a new love-interest when they’re still married, that opens up Pandora’s box. I’ve seen “friends of friends” post all manner of incriminating tidbits that are gobbled-up and used to devour an opponent.

The list goes on and on.

The best way to avoid any temptation to destroy your reputation, relationships, and any hope of reasonably resolving your divorce or post-divorce case is to deactivate your social media accounts before, during, and for a time after your lawsuit.

Once upon a time there was no internet, and we all survived! We didn’t shrivel up and die from lack of social media connections. Actually, life can be far more pleasant when we take a break!

If you’re still recovering from the breakup of your marriage, shying away from or limiting social media while you’re healing can be tremendously beneficial.

Text messages, emails, and voicemail messages also can and will be used against you! My advice is to send messages with the knowledge that the Judge will be privy to them and will “judge” you accordingly.

And, by the way, if you request to re-schedule a Court hearing for a “doctor’s appointment,” tweeting that you’re doing something crazy during the same time that you were supposed to be in Court / at the doctor’s office doesn’t go over so well with the Judge!