by Kendra Armstrong | Sep 1, 2018 | Child Custody, Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation
Divorce and Child Custody cases are notorious for provoking anxiety and bringing out the worst in people. There is so much that is out of your control, it’s enough to drive anyone a little mad. If you’re a fan of the TV series “Lost” (ABC, 2004-2010), you’re familiar with the black “Smoke Monster” (who could forget). Divorces bring out the Black Smoke Monster in everyone at one time or another. Divorce is not pretty, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If you’re one who craves control, brace yourself, because anytime you’re involved in a lawsuit, there will be times when you feel like you have no control over anything. However, you DO have control over your actions and your reactions to others. Here are ten things that you can do to help yourself and your attorney achieve the best possible outcome in your case:
10. Establish Secure Lines of Communication with Your Attorney: These days it’s easier than ever to unwittingly expose yourself to prying eyes. You need to protect yourself and your communications, especially with your attorney, from unwanted electronic eavesdropping. The first step in doing so is to be aware of this danger. Change all of your passwords on every electronic device and every online account that you have. Set up a new email address, and use a different email service (e.g., if you use Gmail, create an account using another service, such as Outlook). You should consider getting a “burner” phone, keep it password-protected and with you at all times. If you believe your spouse has been spying on you, talk to your attorney immediately, because there are further steps that can be taken to protect you
9. Take a Social Media Hiatus: I know, you think I’m crazy to suggest such a drastic, old-fashioned measure. Trust me, what you post on SOCIAL MEDIA SITES CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!!! If you want to be the subject of an entertaining Court appearance and be exposed in Court for all the world to see, keep posting. Be prepared to pay more in attorney fees, because arguing in Court over the admissibility of social media posts is time consuming. You will survive a break from social media, and you might even find that life without social media is better than life with social media. If people are really your “friends,” then they will take your calls and even meet you in person. For more info on WHY you need to pause your social media activity, Click Here.
8. Invest in Professional Counseling: Divorce is the death of your marriage, your shared hopes and dreams. No matter what the reasons for your divorce, it hurts really bad. You will be in shock, you will grieve, and eventually you will accept your situation, adjust to your “new normal,” and, hopefully you’ll grow and thrive. Your attorney can only help you with your legal issues. As you may have already found out, there’s only so much that the Court can do. The Court cannot fix your broken relationships or soothe your anxious heart. Please, please, please do yourself and your family a favor and make an appointment today with a counselor, even if you think you don’t need it. If you have children, please get them into counseling as well. Divorce isn’t the end of the world, but it is a major life-changing event and professional intervention, even if it’s only short-term, is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your children.
7. Attend a Divorce Recovery Group: Many churches offer divorce recovery groups for free or for a low cost. Again, even if you think you don’t need it, you will benefit from attending a divorce recovery group. You may be able to help others who are in worse situations than yours. There are even divorce recovery groups for children/pre-teens/teens.
6. End All “Extra-Marital” Relationships: You know what I’m talking about. You’re still married. You will have plenty of time AFTER your divorce to pursue other romantic relationships. Dating and hanging out with “friends” who are really more than friends WILL cause more trouble than it’s worth. You’ve got far more important things to worry about while you’re getting divorced, and if you have children, it’s a no-brainer. Your children need your full attention and devotion now more than ever.
5. Write Down All of Your Financial Information and a Proposed Division of Your Property and Debts: Your divorce attorney will need to know the following information for both you and your spouse: Income from all sources, debts (including mortgages, car notes, credit cards, random medical bills, etc.), bank accounts, retirement accounts, other investments, real property, crypto-currencies (Bitcoin, etc.), vehicles, boats, ATVs, campers, other valuables. Next to each asset and debt, write down which spouse you propose should receive it. Don’t forget to include furniture, crystal, china, artwork, etc.
4. Gather Together Your Financial Documents: You will need to provide your divorce attorney with copies of income tax returns and attachments (W-2s, 1099s, etc.), as well as recent bank statements, paystubs, bills, retirement and investment accounts, health and life insurance documents. If you have health insurance through your employer, ask human resources to provide you with a breakdown of the monthly cost of employee-only insurance, employee plus family, and employee plus children.
3. Write Down Your Detailed Monthly Budget: How much money do you need right now to meet your monthly needs? Once you are divorced, what will your living expenses be? Don’t forget to includec insurance, car repair, child care (including summer camp), extra-curricular activities for your children, clothes and shoes, haircuts, home repairs, pet expenses, out-of-pocket medical expenses (co-pays and prescriptions), lawn care, housekeeping, etc.
2. Write Down Your DESIRED OUTCOME: Take some time to think about what your goals and future plans are, best case scenario. Ideally, what do you want in your divorce? If you have children, what would your ideal parenting schedule look like? How will you support yourself and your children? Do you need to go back to school or obtain specialized training so that you can earn more money? Do you want to move? It’s important that you discuss your goals and your desired outcome with your attorney. What are your “must haves” and what things are “negotiable”? Write these things down and share them with your attorney. The more specific and precise you are, and the more information you provide to your attorney, the better.
1. Tell Your Attorney THE TRUTH, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth: Your attorney is on your side and is your advocate. Please don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to be completely honest with your attorney. Your attorney can’t help you if he/she doesn’t know all of the facts. I’m grateful when my clients are completely honest with me and warn me of potential landmines. It gives me time to prepare and to either avoid disaster or lessen the damage. If I’m blindsided in Court by something I should have been told by my client, I’m never happy. If you don’t disclose all the facts to your attorney, you, and possibly your children, are the ones who will suffer the consequences. Often, whatever your “secret” is, it’s not as bad as you think. Do yourself a favor and let your attorney know your worries and concerns, and don’t be afraid to be completely honest with your attorney.
by Kendra Armstrong | Sep 15, 2014 | Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation
What do you do when life throws you a few curve balls?
Today I had a nice, organized list of tasks to accomplish. Before I even had a chance to look at my list, my mother had a crisis of epic proportions: she couldn’t watch ANY of her favorite shows because our satellite service provider is currently not carrying that particular network.
My morning was derailed.
What could I do about this problem?
Obviously, there’s not much I could do about the cause of the problem. I have no control over the two companies who are in contract negotiations and may or may not reach an agreement.
All I could do was figure out how I could respond to put out the fire. Unfortunately, I felt like I was wasting time when I could have been checking items off my task list, and it made me irritated.
The fact of the matter was that actually doing the things I had to do to help my mom by putting out the fire was not what irritated me.
It was the interruption of my plans and the detour in my day that got me out-of-sorts.
You may be truly having a crisis of epic proportions.
Do you feel like you’re suffering through a crisis that you don’t deserve and that’s ruined your dreams?
Did your spouse let you down when your marriage didn’t turn out like you had planned?
It stinks.
It’s not fair, it’s not right, it shouldn’t have happened. But, it did happen, so the question is HOW will you respond to this life-derailment?
Will you make the necessary repairs, get back on track, and continue on, or will you remain a heap of crumpled, useless, metal?
I realized this morning that, on one hand, I could complain, snap at my mom for wanting to watch her TV shows, and blame the people who couldn’t reach an agreement to provide us with services we’ve paid for and expected to receive.
On the other hand, I could accept the fact that I can’t control the network or the service provider, I could do what I could to enable my mom to watch her shows, and then I could get back to my list.
Complaining, blaming and lashing out at my mom wouldn’t change a thing. She still couldn’t watch her TV shows, and I would be even more worked up and annoyed.
As irritating as the whole interruption was, I had to deal with it, which is what I did. I’d like to sit here and tell you I didn’t complain at all and didn’t lash out at my mom. After 2 hours of trying to access her shows online and hook up my digital TV receiver that came with my internet, with another service provider, I was not a happy camper.
It was at that time that I realized I could either finish doing what I could to help my mom, or I could complain and blame. It was my choice.
Loss of a few TV shows is NOTHING compared to the loss of a marriage, family, and security.
However, the principles for handling these situations are the same.
It’s never easy when life doesn’t turn out as we planned.
We do have a choice: will we complain, blame, be angry and grow bitter, or will we do what we need to do to handle the situation the best way we can, accept it, and move on?
by Kendra Armstrong | Jul 13, 2012 | Attorney Fees, Divorce, Friendly Words of Advice, Litigation
- Write down all of your questions and the things you want to tell your attorney ahead of time and have them with you when you meet with your attorney, phone your attorney, or email your attorney. Carry a notepad or journal around with you and jot down your questions when you think of them. If you have an iPhone, take full advantage of the Notes application and/or the Voice Memo application and record your questions and thoughts as soon as they come to mind. Taking this step will ensure that you won’t forget to tell your attorney important information and that you won’t forget to ask your attorney any questions; it will also help you to stick to the topics that you need to address. You and your attorney will get a lot more accomplished in less time, and that means less money out of your pocket.
- Make your emails to your attorney well-organized, concise and to the point. Doing so will help your attorney to better understand what you are trying to say or to ask, and it will also help your attorney respond to you more quickly than if you send a rambling email that is one long paragraph and asks 5 million different questions. Many attorneys do charge clients for reading and responding to emails. The easier they are to read and to understand, the less amount of time your attorney will need to spend reading and responding to them, and the lower your bill will be!
- If you are emailing your attorney with a question about a document, ATTACH a copy of that document to your email. Your attorney can then quickly look at that document and answer your question. Otherwise, you may be billed not only for reading and responding to the email, but also for pulling the file, locating the document, possibly copying the document, and then putting the file back in the filing cabinet. Doing this one simple step should also get you a more rapid response because your attorney is more likely to deal with your email immediately if he or she sees that it will not be necessary to pull your file and to locate the document.Email Tip: Send a copy of your emails to your attorney’s assistant. Doing so will lessen the chance that your email gets lost in your attorney’s overflowing inbox. You can always also call the office and alert your attorney’s assistant that you have sent an important email and you want to make sure that your attorney sees it.
- Hire a psychologist or a counselor. I always recommend that divorce clients and their children participate in counseling or psychotherapy during and after a divorce. It is necessary to help clients and their children deal with and heal from the destruction of that which they have held most dear: their family. You need to address your emotional issues and struggles with a psychologist or a counselor, who is trained to help you work through those specific issues. You need to let your lawyer focus on your legal issues, which is much easier for your lawyer to do when you are not relying on your lawyer to provide you with psychotherapy (which most of us are not licensed, trained, or qualified to do anyway). When you are interacting with your attorney, you and your attorney need to be primarily focused on the logistics of your case and the legal issues that are involved. In many instances a therapist charges less per hour than an attorney does anyway, and they usually end the therapy sessions in one hour and on time!
- When you have a question about your case, talk to the paralegal or legal assistant who works with your attorney first instead of going straight to your attorney. Depending on the fee agreement you have with your lawyer, you may or may not be charged to communicate with your attorney’s support staff, however, it will almost always be less expensive to funnel your questions and problems through the support staff. I have found that oftentimes when a client calls me with a question or a problem it takes 10 to 15 minutes to get all of the facts and to clarify what it is the client really wants and needs to know. It is extremely helpful to me for my legal assistant to obtain and sort through that information on the front end so that I can quickly and easily respond and provide the client with the answers he or she is seeking. Many times it results in me “no charging” the client for the time it takes me to answer his or her questions, as opposed to me billing them for a 20 or 30 minute phone call. Additionally, my staff member can record notes for the client’s file at no charge, further reducing the cost of that phone call for the client.
- Limit the frequency of your communications with your attorney. Some clients call and/or email their attorneys several times a day, nearly every day. This habit is not a problem if you are looking for a sure-fire way to increase your attorney fees. If you find you always have questions for your attorney popping into your mind, then please jot them down on a notepad or otherwise record them and make that call to your attorney only once per day.
- Conduct as much business as you can with your attorney over the phone or via email as opposed to meeting with your attorney in person. For some reason, face-to-face meetings almost always last longer and are more costly to the client than phone calls or emails addressing the same issues. It’s easier to stay on track and to end your conversations in a punctual manner when you are on the phone than it is when you are meeting in person.
- Take your attorney’s advice. I have had clients tell me, “Next time I will listen to you,” far too often. Simply following your attorney’s recommendations can save you many dollars and much heartache. If you don’t trust your attorney’s advice, please hire a different attorney!
- Narrow down your issues. If at all possible, communicate with your spouse and determine what issues the two of you can agree on, write those things down, and tell your attorney. Your attorney can then spend billable time dealing with your outstanding, unresolved issues. The fewer the disputed issues, the lower your bill.
- Be reasonable. Most divorces are ultimately settled out of Court. The goal in settling a lawsuit is for both parties to walk away with an agreement they can live with, not for both parties to get everything they want (that’s impossible). The alternative to being reasonable and reaching a tolerable agreement is to let a neutral third party, who doesn’t know you from Adam, intervene in your life and ORDER you and your spouse to do as he or she sees fit. Not only will you be taking a gamble which could result in an intolerable and unacceptable outcome for you, your attorney fees and expenses will increase exponentially.
One final note about the cost of your divorce, please keep in mind that every time your attorney goes to Court, there are usually, at the very least, several billable hours involved. Your attorney will have to prepare for the proceeding, travel to and from the proceeding, attend the proceeding, and conduct follow-up work. Oftentimes Court appearances are in the client’s best interest and/or they are unavoidable, and therefore it is necessary to incur those fees. There is not much that you can do about that fact. However, despite the fact that sometimes you cannot control the amount of your attorney fees, there are some steps that you can take to reduce your attorney fees, as I’ve outlined above. Try them. You will thank me later!
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