Divorce rudely “interrupted” my life when I was 12 years old.  When I first found out that my parents were getting divorced, my carefree childhood came to a screeching halt, and I was overwhelmed with grief, fear, and devastation. The foundation of my world shattered into a million pieces, and I felt like the joy in my life had been sucked right out of me.

“The divorce” became a fact of life for me, and I learned to live with the ups and downs we all experience in a divorce. I adjusted to the fact that our family of four was different—we had a new normal…and I survived.

Fast-forward nineteen years, when I, again, found my world shattered by MY divorce.  I always planned on getting married, but I NEVER planned on getting divorced (who does?).  The day I went to Court and had my divorce “granted,” the pain overwhelmed me.  It was one of the deepest losses that I’ve ever experienced. I felt broken, empty, hopeless, bitter, lost, rejected, wounded, worried, ashamed, worthless, regretful, empty, incomplete, and like a complete failure. The list goes on and on.

When two people marry, two lives become one. When I got divorced, it felt like someone cruelly ripped out a vital organ and left me bleeding and dying on the side of the road. I felt like the one person who promised to love, honor, and
cherish me for the rest of our lives no longer cared about me and that I didn’t matter to him. The fear of being alone in an unknown future was terrifying.

The good news is that my FEELINGS were only TEMPORARY.  Divorce recovery is a process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s full of ups and downs, progress and setbacks, defeats and small victories.

My divorce was the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and when I look back on it now, I remember the pain I felt, but I no longer feel the pain.  I learned how to thrive and enjoy life despite my divorce, and I came out on the other side much stronger and wiser.

Over the years I’ve noticed that people who successfully move past the searing pain of their broken marriages and go on to lead fulfilling, contented lives, have very specific ways of INTERPRETING and RESPONDING to life’s problems.  It all comes down to how we THINK about and interpret our life experiences and problems, and how we CHOOSE to RESPOND.

Many of the following strategies may seem counter-intuitive, however, these techniques work. They’ve worked in my own life and in the lives of many others. Here’s my blueprint for surviving divorce:

1. Forgive myself.

Unresolved guilt, shame, and regret are paralyzing emotions that keep us from living the lives we were created to live and prevent us from fulfilling our purpose. Guilt is a good thing in that it alerts us that we’ve done wrong, or that we’ve hurt someone. However, we aren’t meant to replay our misdeeds over, and over, and over again in our heads. Never-ending rumination on our mistakes and harmful behavior serves no good purpose. What’s done is done, and we can’t go back and change it. What we can do, however, is acknowledge our harmful actions, ask for forgiveness, change our behavior and attitude, and move forward. It’s a choice.

When we forgive ourselves, we give ourselves PERMISSION to stop beating ourselves up over what we’ve done in the past.

2. Forgive the “unforgivable.”

Forgiveness is not our “default” setting. It requires a conscious choice, and it’s extremely hard to do. Forgiveness is an ongoing process, not a one-time thing, and, I can’t stress this point enough, forgiveness is a choice.

Why should I choose forgiveness? Some things are simply unforgivable!  I want to be angry and hold that grudge against (fill in the blank). They need to suffer! They need to feel my pain.

Okay, consider this point: “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the OTHER person to die!”

Think about it, when I hang onto bitterness and anger, I’m mostly hurting myself. Chances are the person I’m resenting doesn’t care nearly as much as I do about my resentment, if at all.  They just go along their merry way, while I’m
living in torment.

When I choose to forgive someone, it releases the power that a person has over me.  It frees ME.

Forgiving someone means that I make a CONSCIOUS decision to STOP resenting that person.

3. Cultivate an “attitude of gratitude.”

Our default setting is to complain, I don’t know why, but it seems like it’s so much easier to grumble than to be thankful.  Again, it’s a choice to be a glass half-empty or a glass half-full person. My challenge to you is the next time you find yourself complaining, flip the script and force yourself to find something good to be grateful for. Eventually, you’ll start doing that automatically. In fact, right now, what are five (5) things you are grateful for?

4. Admit the role I played in the breakup of my marriage and accept responsibility for my actions and my mistakes.

It takes two tango. Our brains tend to automatically look for excuses and then assign blame. We do it without even
thinking. Every individual has his own perspective of events, no two people experience the same event in the same way. My son, for example, is 6’8” tall, so when he’s standing next to me in a room, he sees things I don’t, and vice versa. We each have our own perspective. Having different perspectives doesn’t mean that one perspective is right, and the other perspective is wrong, it’s just different.

When I put myself in my husband’s shoes and imagined how my words and actions might have made him feel, I experienced an entirely new level of insight.

5. Accept the things I can’t control or change (the past, other people), and change the things I can change (such as how I respond to problems and disappointments).

The only things I can control 100% are my thoughts and actions. Will I be grateful for the good that’s in my life right now, despite bleak circumstances?  Will I take responsibility for causing or worsening my situation? Will I admit and apologize for my behavior? If I do these things, it lifts the weight off my shoulders and helps me to “move past the past,” enjoy all that I have right now and move towards a bright future.

6. Believe in and embrace my true value.

You are no cosmic accident!

When I was married, my self-worth was tied to my husband; I thought that his love and adoration made me “valuable.” This erroneous and patently false belief caused me years of grief and dysfunction.  Once I realized that I have an intrinsic value separate and apart from my roles as a wife and a mother, it changed everything. A “pearl of great price” is a beautiful, invaluable treasure, regardless of whether or not someone is admiring it, which brings me to my next point.

7. Stop depending on the approval of others.

We all love praise and adoration, but there’s always a downside, which is criticism and contempt. When I believe that I have a purpose, seek God’s guidance daily, and go about trying to be the person God created me to be, I don’t get weighed down with worry about whether someone else approves of me.

If I hurt someone or make a mistake, I admit I was wrong, ask for forgiveness, forgive myself, and correct my course. I’ve found that trying to seek approval from others sucks me dry and makes it impossible to keep going and moving forward. None of us can please everyone, and we can’t even please one person all the time, so it makes good sense to switch our focus from approval-seeking behavior and to instead focus on living the lives we were created to live.

8. Interpret apparent “failures” as learning experiences and recognize that these experiences may be pointing me in a new and better direction for my life.

If my life was perfect, I’d have nothing to talk or write about. It’s the conflict and the trials in life that teach us, that give our lives meaning, purpose, and texture, and that get our attention! Sometimes our stubbornness (or fear of the unknown) keeps us moving in one direction, which might not be the best direction for us. When we fail, we learn how not to do something, adjust our approach, and “try, try again.”

9. Find the silver lining in every cloud of adversity.

Notice I used the word “find.” I must train my brain to look for it and to search it out. Treasure hunts take time and effort, and, frequently, time must pass before I’m ready for the beauty to be revealed.

10. Persevere with confidence! I get back up and keep going no matter how I “feel” and no matter how many times I’m slammed to the ground (or trip and fall)!

We all fall down. It’s embarrassing,especially when you fall down the Courthouse steps in public (yes, I’ve done
that!). But we won’t get where we want to go if we simply stop. Do we really want to be gawked at or pitied?  I don’t.  We can’t win the prize if we don’t get up and keep going.

It doesn’t matter if we’re shoved to the ground by an opponent, or if we stumble and fall, we get up, hold our heads
high, and keep going. We finish the race. We might need to take a minute to catch our breath, but we don’t give up. Winners never quit, and quitters never win.

Expect opposition and setbacks. Don’t be surprised that you are facing challenges. Figure out the next best step and then move forward. It makes the final reward all the sweeter.